Many times over the past few months I have glanced up at the big B button that will connect me to this blog and will compel me to write something. I have wanted to, really, but I always find some excuse not to.
I have a lot of good excuses: five kids, a dog, selling our house (again), renovating, painting, volunteering, visiting teaching, pure laziness, the list goes on. I have two days a week that I do not have children at home so you think I could write then right? There are so many other things that distract me, or that I think are more important, or that actually get in the way.
Not only am I constrained to write by distractions but I know I let those distractions in because I am lacking confidence in my writing. Where once I felt like I didn't have very good ideas for writing, now I have tons of ideas, and they get flowing, but when I go to write them down the well dries up and I begin to doubt. Thoughts come into my head like "what am I trying to say here?" "nobody is going to want to read this", "why do I really want to write?"
The last question I have been asking myself a lot. WHY DO I REALLY WANT TO WRITE?
Sometimes I have visions of going into a book store and finding a book that I wrote, with my name on it right out in front - preferably on the best sellers shelf. I've dreamed of being the next Stephanie Meyer - stay at home LDS mom turned big time author. These are both compelling thoughts, the first one being the one that most excites me. But if this was all there was to my passion than I think it would have fizzled within a month.
I have realized that why I really want to write is because I feel like I have something to say. I have never thought myself to be a brilliant person, not even very clever. But I have been inspired by life in many ways and when I feel inspired I feel prompted to share that experience with others.
I had a neat experience this last fall that stemmed from a heart breaking tragedy in my family.
My youngest brother and his wife were expecting a baby girl last September, this was to be their fourth chid. They already had two sons and a daughter and were excited to welcome another little girl into their family. They have always chosen to birth their children at home with a midwife and so on the day of their newest child's arrival they were at there home going through the process they had done three times before but with a tragic end, their little girl was not born alive. She was full term and beautiful but that was where her young life was to end.
I received a phone call from my older sister later that day to have me phone her back as soon as I could. When I did, she said that she was standing beside our brother in the hospital and he was holding his baby girl, her body swaddled in his arms but she was gone.
I could not believe it, this didn't happen in our family. My parents had 11 children, 40 grandchildren and nine great grandchildren that were all living and healthy. My heart sank. I was so far away from my family, from my brother, I wanted to give him a big hug but a whole country kept us apart.
I tried to stay in touch over the next few days to see how they were doing and to find out the plans for the service. I so wanted to fly home. All of the rest of my family was traveling to be there but it was not a quick car drive for me. I was grateful that I could pray for them and I strongly believe in the power of prayer to comfort those in need but I wanted to do more so I prayed about what I could do. When I heard that they planned to name her Eden, I burst into tears, "little, beautiful Eden" and it inspired me to write a poem. I prayed for the words, looked up scripture but nothing seemed to fit. The funeral was happening the next morning and I wanted them to get my gift that day. I thought about it into the night but went to sleep with nothing concrete, when I woke the next morning the first line was in my mind.
This is the poem:
If I Could Go To Heaven
If I could go to Heaven, even for just one day,
I'd kiss my Lord and Saviour, there's so much I want to say.
I'd awe at all the marvels, the beauty that surrounds,
My heavenly home would be familiar, His presence all around.
I'd seek out all my loved ones, those who'd gone before,
Even those I'd never met, I'd knock upon their door.
Like women of the scriptures, prophets new and old,
Friends and family I'd never known, but whose stories I'd been told.
And one, our little Eden, who left this world so young,
I'd love to get to know her, a story just begun.
I'm sure she's like her brother, whose singing fills our hearts,
Or possibly like Ephriam whose deviance is his charm.
I know she's like her sister, such beauty is for sure,
Ellies eyes, her smile, her twinkle she can distantly allure.
I'd tell her about her mom and dad, two people I adore,
Their faith and strength are an inspiration for all that they endure.
But I can wait for heaven, it's presence is always here,
With family, friends and loved ones, Heaven is ever near.
I'll continue with the plan, my Father has for me,
I'll work and pray with joy and hope and seek eternity.
I miss you little Eden, someone I never knew,
I look forward to forever so I can have my day with you.
I have read this over and over because I know that I had help in writing it and expressing my thoughts and feeling. I was grateful to know that my brother and his wife liked the poem and they framed it and put it beside little Eden's casket at the funeral. That made me feel like I was there with them.
I am grateful for the knowledge I have of God, of this life, of eternity and of who I am. I want to share that knowledge in my writing some how and inspire others.
HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
